Shrek: Less Wrong
by LoveandScience
Summary: What if Shrek had a rational thought process and was well-read?
1. Chapter 1

Mobsters swarmed around the large ogre's home, yelling for the monster's demise. The men had only caught glimpses of him, and assumed that fifteen to one was a sure way of defeating such a terrible beast. Rumors flew in their town, describing horrid things the ogre had supposedly done.

The "terrifying" creature looked up from his book with a sigh. This wasn't the first time he'd dealt with crazy people. Not everyone in town was like that, but the frequency of interactions he had with murderous dimwits played tricks on his brain to make him skeptical of decent human beings existing. He couldn't completely blame the townspeople, either—his family had made quite a reputation of themselves when they had lived in these parts. He felt guilty for his twinge of happiness at their absence, but quickly reasoned that savage monsters who ate humans did nothing for working towards eventual peace between all creatures.

The ogre poked his head out the door, and the crowd roared louder. A little bit of fear usually got these people quiet so that he could calm them down. Quickly, he licked his hand, which he subsequently used to put out the nearest torch's flame. The noise died down.

"What seems to be upsetting you?" His voice was assertive, but not menacing in the least. This threw the mob off slightly, defusing their anger.

"You've been eating our children and scaring our men, and plundering our town," jeered the man in front.

"Who, exactly, has been lost, scared, or robbed?"

The men looked at each other for a few moments, until one stout, obese person supplied, "I lost one of my socks yesterday!" Clearly, no one would admit having been frightened, and no one had actually gone missing.

The ogre sighed, and the crowd's momentum faltered. "Can I get back to my reading, now?"

Embarrassed, they shuffled away with a few murmured apologies, leaving the green being to himself.

* * *

><p>"I'll give you ten shillings for the grinning fruits with huge eyes," drawled the guard, as the owner of FruitTales handed the small cage to the government worker, happy with not only the profit, but to be rid of the creepy things.<p>

An old lady manhandled her donkey over to the desk where the guard sat.

"What are you giving me a donkey for? They're not magical."

The hag grinned a toothless, slightly malicious smile. "He talks."

The state stooge returned her look, albeit with a full set of teeth. "Prove it."

"As if he'd talk on command when he knows his talking will get him thrown into one of your trailer prisons. He may be dumb, but any half-wit could see how unscientific of a test it is to just ask him to talk in this situation. He won't last for long, though. This ass can't keep quiet, otherwise I'd have kept him."

The guard blinked twice. "Do you think you're smarter than me?"

"Well," she started, then thought better of saying so, "of course not," she finished.

He was not amused. "Guards! Take her away!"

"Incompotent fools!" She shrieked as they seized her arms, and in her flailing, she kicked a nearby fairy that was locked in a cage. The small magical girl and her prison landed on the animal, which flew into the air with a yelp of surprise.

"I can fly!" yelled the donkey. The bystanders repeated his excitement with "He can fly!" several times over, earning a look of 'oh, come on, you uncreative quarter-wits' from the elderly female who had wanted to sell the beast. For good measure, she also shot a 'do you see, blathering idiot?' look at the guard who'd ordered her arrest.

"He can talk!" said guard suddenly noticed, missing the glare from the hag.

"That's right, fool, now I'm a flying talking donkey!" His powers began to fade as he made it less than ten yards away. Frantic, when he touched the ground, he ran from the pursuing government workers. Too busy watching them, he crashed into the ogre, who was putting up notices proclaiming his property as private. The ogre had also included notices under the bright red words, warning that he was not responsible for what happened to trespassers. It wouldn't do to get into legal trouble with these ridiculous townfolk.

"You there, ogre," started a guard. As the ogre neared, the state employee's voice weakened. "By the order of Lord Farquaad," he slowly unrolled a scroll with his master's symbol, "I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you-"

"Transport me where, exactly?" the green being raised an eyebrow.

The guard looked, noticing his friends gone. He gave his intended captives a look of uncertainty, then ran for it.

"This is private property," the ogre yelled after him. "Monarchy is over! I homesteaded this land before anyone claimed it. You don't have to live under elitist rule, anymore!" He heaved a sigh. Being one who believed in private property made him more of an outcast than being an ogre, sometimes. No, more likely, the man had just been afraid. At least one good thing had come of people's irrational fear of all large green monsters: it kept him from being captured.


	2. Chapter 2

When the guards left, the donkey began to babble. He recounted the story in the sort of painstaking way that people do when they repeat themselves in a few different sentences, which could have easily been condensed into a few simple words. The ogre twitched in polite annoyance, silent, until the beast got to the part in his story where he had been able to fly.

"Hold the phone," the green man held up a finger to silence his four-legged companion. "You mean to tell me there's material that can let non-flying things like us fly? That's amazing!"

Donkey gazed up, nonplussed. "It's a magical world. I don't understand why that would be news to you."

"I've lived most of my life in a swamp," the monster blushed slightly. "Past ignorance aside, I'm going to get some of that material." He took off at a steady run, fueled with excitement, and the donkey trotted by his side.

"What's your name?" the animal asked pleasantly.

The ogre almost tripped. No one had ever bothered to ask his name before. In fact, he hadn't used his name in so long that he wasn't even positive the name he would give was correct. "Uh, Shrek," he finally answered as he hid behind a rather large tree close to the slave trader camp. "Hey, is this the place?"

"You can just call me Donkey, everybody else seems to," came the beast's sad voice.

"Aw," Shrek felt a twinge of guilt at being so carried away at the prospect of flying. "Why not pick a real name? You clearly have a personality and are, uh, sort of intelligent. You deserve a real name."

Donkey perked up. "You mean it? How about Jack! You know, Jack went up a hill to 'fetch water,'" he raised a hoof as if to make quotation marks, "with Jill, so I think the name Jack will bring me luck with the ladies, if you know what I mean."

"Alright, Jack. Is that the fairy you were talking about?"Shrek asked, pointing at a small cage with an even smaller girl inside. With the donkey's affirmation, Shrek burst forth from his position, passed the bewildered guards, and grabbed the cage with the startled, frightened magical creature in it. "Go!" he yelled at Jack as he made a run for it in the direction of his swamp.

"Don't hurt me!" The fairy pleaded over and over to the men, shivering in fear and cowering at the edge of her containment center.

Shrek sighed. "Please, lady, for the last time, we have no intent to harm you. I can see you have some psychological trauma relating to your kidnapping and want to take this out on your rescuers, but we can get you to therapy. I just hope that in turn, you will answer a few questions for me, and possibly help me with something."

The tiny woman eyed him warily, then calmed down slightly after deciding he probably would not hurt her. "So you want something from me."

"Well, yes." Shrek suddenly felt like a complete jerk, and while he acknowledged that he indeed fit that description, he quickly decided on another reason to have rescued only her that didn't seem so horrible. However, he made a mental note that he really had to start treating people better, even if this was only his first real interaction with creatures that were at least intelligent life not trying to kill him. "I want to help the rest of the captured fairytale things, you know, possibly take down the king responsible for having them all imprisoned. It makes me mad that such injustices have ocurred. But I only just heard about the situation from Jack," the donkey smiled at the use of his new name, "and I figured saving you could possibly let me fly, which would make my mission quite a bit easier."

The stunned female blinked. "You don't know what you're saying. One person can't just beat all those guards and take down a kingdom. And don't you know that we'd have anarchy without them? We're stuck."

Shrek kind of laughed, but got a hold of himself quickly. "We'll figure out something better than a tyrannical king. So, will you help me fly?"

Jack stared in awe at his new friend, wondering how he could be so generous, while the skeptical fairy reluctantly sighed.

"Okay. I will bestow upon you and your donkey a permanent method of flying. You just have to believe you can, and also have a little bit of fairy dust."

"Wow, just believe? That's amazing!" Jack eagerly leapt forward, making the girl jump back a little in her cage.

Shrek, however, looked angry. "Just believe? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! Of all the unscientific..." he took a deep breath and counted to three. "Just believe, you say? I'll try. Stand back, just a second." He knelt down and broke two wooden bars of the cage, allowing the fairy her freedom. "I should have done this earlier, forgive me."

She smiled as his charm overshadowed his ogre-ness for a moment. "And I should have thanked you for the rescue." The small woman flew above their heads, and sprinkled the powder on them.


	3. Chapter 3

Flying was easier for Jack, who didn't mind "just believing" as a method of transportation. The ogre, however, grasped for control of his temper so that he could put aside logical thought. This was hard, but somehow he closed his mind off and, in an almost meditative state, he began to rise. He fought to not be overwhelmed by shock at the impossibility, and stabilized.

The fairy girl smiled. "I don't think I have the heart for what you endeavor, but I look forward to word of your success." She curtseyed.

"Thank you for," the green man bit his lip as he tried to think of how to say it, "giving us the ability to fly."

"Just believe!" she called back as she zoomed away.

Shrek almost had a heart attack. "Good thing this happened while I'm young, I may have just died if my organs were weaker."

Jack rushed to a halt. "Die? Shrek! You can't die! Please, no!"

He put a reassuring hand on the donkey's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm okay." His companion gave him a skeptical look, but then cheered up.

"So, how we gonna beat this Farquaad guy, anyway?"

"I suppose we should check out the situation. Do you know how to get to him by any chance?"

The donkey gave the ogre a large grin, "I know the way to his castle. Come on!"

* * *

><p>The odd pair arrived quickly, especially now that Shrek had gotten the hang of ignoring all rational thought when he wanted to. He hoped to change his concept of reality and accomodate with this new information, but understood his brain would need a while. He shook even that thought from his head, as it made too much sense.<p>

The guards did not seem to notice them flying overhead as they bypassed the castle walls. If they had noticed, they certainly did not believe what they saw. But as Shrek knew very well, most people are great at ignoring what can't possibly be real. This was the only way to explain why townspeople continued to harass him, though time after time, he reasoned them into going away. They must simply keep pushing reality from their mind to repeat their actions over and over. Sometimes, the ogre got the feeling the universe wanted him to react in a more hostile way, which would suit his species, but he always pushed that hippie bullcrap aside with the more sensible thought that people simply didn't care to value intelligence.

"Wait," murmured the large green man to his companion, "there are a lot of guards. We should land somewhere more strategic." Shrek pointed to an area where they'd be able to hear better, yet stay concealed.

"Right, good plan!" The donkey followed him down.

A short man was pacing around what looked like an arena, yelling instructions at his guards. From the crown and the cape and the authoritative voice of an asshole, Shrek assumed him to be the infamous Lord Farquaad.

"String up a banner over there! Put the beer by that table! Polish that horse's rear end! This place needs to be PERFECT for the tournament tomorrow."

The ogre glanced at Jack as if he could barely contain his laughter, but the donkey was only glaring. "How could anyone touch those stallions in such a private area? I tell you, that is NOT appropriate. I don't like this guy one bit, even if it weren't for him wanting all of the magical creatures shipped out of the kingdom like we were rodents. I'm just so-"

"Jack," Shrek touched his shoulder gently, "please focus." The donkey gave his friend a sheepish grin and nodded. "I'm going to jump down there and just confront him. You might want to be ready to get out of here in case he tries anything. I don't want you to get hurt."

Jack looked touched by the concern, and wished him luck.


	4. Chapter 4

"You want ME to just let those filthy creatures FREE?"

Shrek sighed. "I figured asking wouldn't work, but I had to try. It wouldn't make sense for you to simply let these people free especially after you've done something so horrific as to kidnap them. However, you seem like the kind of man who might agree if I did something for you in return. What is it you really want by getting rid of them? Are you scapegoating them with your problems or is it some weird obsession with cleanliness? The eery perfection of your little castle has not gone unnoticed."

Farquaad gaped. "Such insolence. You do not understand, these rats have tortured me since grade school! They cast spells on me, and while most would wear off, I'm stuck shorter than I'm meant to be. They are a poison, they are rowdy, and they cannot be trusted." His brows dipped with determination. "And MAGIC," he spat the word, "is responsible for keeping every princess locked away in some terrible situation."

"Sir," Shrek wanted to at least suck up a bit by being 'proper and respectful,' just in case that would help his argument even if only in a logical fallacy kind of way, "that's awful. No one should ever have assaulted you, and your anger is certainly valid." The vertically challenged man looked up, and the ogre wondered if he had not had his feelings validated before. "Anyone would be angry if that happened. In fact, I feel angry for you. Injustice bothers me a great deal. But if you can just try to step out of your personal feelings for a moment, you'll understand why you can't blame an entire group of people for the actions of a few individuals. You're probably a smart man, so I'm sure you can do that. It could have been anyone who harmed you, it's just that there's more fairytale creatures around than regular humans, so with the greater sample size, you were more likely to have been hurt by one of them. The same goes with the princess' unfortunate situations. I don't like that they're thrown in towers or attacked by witches, but anyone could have done horrible things, it just happened to be a magical person because there's more of them around."

The short male considered this. "Okay, I can see where you're coming from on that point. But they wreck the economy. Many of them can fabricate money with a flick of the wand, and this leaves the rest of the population in poverty. I get complaints every day to stop this, and so I got rid of them."

"Ah," the ogre nodded, "but you're a much more creative man than that. Just let people decide what they will and won't accept for payment. Your people will figure it out if you don't try to control their money so much. You'll gain respect for your merit, here. Suggest that humans have magical creatures pay in services if they don't want to get screwed over. Create classes for people who intend to open businesses to explain why this is important. Caution them to be wary of other humans who get rich quick. Make it socially unacceptable. People trust your judgement, so you have real power there."

Lord Farquaad stood in silence. He had not had his thoughts challenged in a long time, as his subjects tended to agree with whatever he said. "Alright," he said slowly, "I'll let them go. But will you do me a favor?"

"Probably."

"There's a princess, her name is Fiona. She's locked in a tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon, and I wanted to marry her so I could be an official king. Will you rescue the lady for me?"

Shrek thought for a moment, then glanced to the man with a stern expression. "I'll rescue the princess, but if the two of you aren't in love, I promise you that I will give her the freedom to not marry you."


	5. Chapter 5

"Woooowww," Jack gasped in awe for the sixth time, as he and his new ogre friend flew towards the castle in the distance. "You really know a lot about people, don't you?"

Shrek smiled with a slight sigh. His friend mildly annoyed him with his constant upbeat nature. This thought made the green man frown. Sure, the donkey was socially awkward, and did not take cues well, but this should not be so bothersome. Happiness should never be cavalierly tossed aside as inappropriate, and his annoyance said something about him that caused an uncomfortable feeling. The ogre pushed past the emotion. If another being's happiness bothered him, then obviously he was not very happy himself. The problem resided within his head, rather than faulting the other person. Right then and there, he resolved to change himself, and to seek a more fulfilling life. It was actually very amazing that Jack, who had been abused in his past, had such a naturally positive outlook on life.

"Jack, you're such a happy creature. I really admire how you can do that. I'm not sure I'd be able to hold up so well if I lived with an old lady who hit me, tried to sell me, and whatever else you may have gone through."

The donkey smiled. "There's way too much to be happy about to stay down. I know that it comes off as weird, or like I'm not paying attention, or that I'm somehow stupid. But I'm happy, I'm expressing what I feel, and I know exactly what that does to some people. I sometimes hope that my lack of care for social norms will inspire others to do the same. Sometimes I get stuck on a subject, but there shouldn't be anything wrong with my intensity. Sure, I was beat up on for how I act, but that just weeds out who truly wants my company. _My_ company, not the company of an inauthentic people pleaser. I admit, though, it can get lonely."

Shrek felt terrible at his misjudgement. Jack was way more philosophically smart than he had given him credit for. Who knew that the donkey had thought through his behavior so well? The man adjusted his velocity so that he could easily place an arm over his friend's shoulders while still moving towards their destination. "I know this may not seem like a lot coming from an ogre who lives alone in a swamp with rare contact with civilization, but you're the best friend I've ever had. I haven't met many people, but you are by far my favorite person that I have met."

* * *

><p>By nightfall, the pair reached the dark, looming castle.<p>

"Smells like grandma's house," Shrek said with a straight face.

Jack quirked an eyebrow. "That's disgusting."

The ogre laughed. After regaining his composure, he said, seriously, "The princess is likely in the highest room, in the tallest tower. It's a little embarassing, but I've read fairy tale books. Anyone who would put a girl in a castle guarded by a dragon with a moat of lava surrounding it is bound to be theatrical and follow through with the rest of the typical storyline."

Shrek started forward, but his donkey companion hesitated. "Uhh...I don't think I can do this, Shrek."

The green man stopped and looked his friend over. "It's okay if you want to stay here. I'm scared, myself, but I'm also used to dealing with frightening situations. This is not the first time my life has been in danger."

Before Jack could respond, the ogre had given him a friendly pat on the back and flown towards where the princess was assumed to be.

* * *

><p>Princess Fiona had been daydreaming for too long. What else was there to do when you were a prisoner in a small room for years on end? One could not possibly stay completely sane. When a knock on her window came, she sighed dramatically, dismissing the noise as her imagination. She had fantasized such a scenario too many times, and too often gone to her lone window, thrusting it open with hopes of freedom, and had them dashed in an instant when no one was there. So when the window shattered into hundreds of pieces and a tall, fat, smelly, green ogre looked inside, she screamed.<p>

A roar erupted from downstairs—the dragon had heard.

Roughly grabbing the woman despite her confused protests, Shrek jumped back out of the tower and flew as fast as he possibly could towards the direction he had originally traveled from.

The giant red dragon burst through the front wall, firing flames and in hot pursuit of her charge.

"Shrek!" yelled the donkey, desperate to keep up with the chase. The beast's tail swung towards him, and he grabbed on with his hooves. "Why are you such a mean dragon!" he cried, then sobbed to himself, "I'm gonna die."

She felt the extra weight on her tail, and stopped pursuing her original target. With a screech accompanied by fire, she turned to bear down on the poor, shaking furball. She raised up her claws, but stopped in her tracks when the donkey began to plead.

"Please don't kill me! Look at those pearly white teeth," the dragon smiled a bit, "most people can't get that naturally. But I can tell you did. You're al natural, the way I like it." Hoping to all that was good in the universe that his flattery was working, he continued. "You know, if you'd like to, uh, well, I don't think getting dinner together would be a good idea, but if you want, you could come help me and my friend rescue that princess! She's a really nice girl. Did someone pay you to keep her in that tower?"

Fluttering her eyelashes, the red, scaly, creature blew a heart smoke ring.

Jack swallowed. "Uhhh, you're a girl? Oh, well, you're lovely, of course you're a girl, I mean..."

She curled her tail around his body, trapping him. Moving closer, she puckered her lips, and his eyes widened at the realization of what she was planning to do.

"No! Stop! Please!" She paused, and gave him a hurt look. "Look, we don't know each other yet...I take my relationships slow..."

* * *

><p>"What the hell are you?" Fiona raged when she was once again on her own two feet.<p>

Shrek frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"

She stomped her foot. "Some_thing_? That was _all_ wrong! I waited for so long in hopes of being rescued by a handsome prince who would slay the dragon, run up to my room, kiss me to awaken me, and carry me off on his noble steed! And instead, some stupid, ugly ogre breaks through my window, grabs me, and races off! Where's the nobility in that?"

It hurt his heart, the way she spoke, and it also made him angry. He realized that she had probably been confined to small quarters for too long, but at that moment it didn't matter. "Well, fine! If you want, I'll take you _back_ up to that tower and _leave_ you there! And you know what, lady? You're not so different from me. Have you looked in a mirror, or do you think you're not an ogre?"

"What?" she raged back, "I am a prin-" A sudden thought cut her off. Looking down, she gasped, realizing her nightly transformation condition was still in effect. Defeated, the red-head sunk to her knees and began to cry.

His heart softened a little in response, and with a sigh, he sat next to her.

"It only happens at night," she managed through sobs. "I'm so sorry. I'm no better than you. I'm so sorry. Thank you for rescuing me, despite my appearance."

He quirked an eyebrow, but with her hands covering her face, she could not notice. "Princess, you really shouldn't judge yourself so harshly. Looks are not decided by choice, and it's irrational to treat yourself or anyone else badly for that. But you're normal. Most people look at me and have the same reaction." He chanced a comforting touch to her back. She surprised him by throwing herself against his chest, still sobbing.

"You've been planning this for your whole life, haven't you?" he said softly. She nodded into him. He prepared himself to continue consoling her, when a disturbing thought entered his mind. Where was donkey?


End file.
